Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize