What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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