I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
