Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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