I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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