I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
