I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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