Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
