If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
