u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
