and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
