So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
