I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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