Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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