the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
