i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
