Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
