JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
