My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
where am i from again
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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