two words: eviction party
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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