so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
