I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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