this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
