i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
