Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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