No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
