My liver just broke up with me...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
