She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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