i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize