Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
