I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize