i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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