I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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