How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
