I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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