Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
