Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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