Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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