His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
