Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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