I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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