Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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