last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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