things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
