Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
