It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize