i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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