You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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