If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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