my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
