The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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