So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
