There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I supernannyed him into submission
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
