last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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