I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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