Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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