i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm too high and old for this...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
