have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
