nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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