i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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