She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
