Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
