His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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