my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize