Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
