if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
