Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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