I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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