Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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